Featuring insights from dating and embodiment coach Amber Lavin

It almost feels like we’re getting closer to finding solutions for managing the challenge of finding love. And it’s wild to imagine that nervous system healing is so closely connected to a healthier, more satisfying love life.

Let’s take a look!

Why We Keep Attracting the Same Relationships — And How to Finally Change the Pattern

If you’ve ever found yourself wondering, “Why do I keep attracting the same person in a different body?”  You’re definitely not alone. This exact pattern is what led dating coach Amber Lavin into the work she does today.

Ten years ago, Amber ended a seven-year relationship with no idea how to move forward. She kept finding herself drawn to emotionally unavailable partners. Sounds familiar? I know that I can relate!

You know – the ones who wouldn’t text back, couldn’t show up, or offered just enough attention to keep hope alive. The cycle felt magnetic… and deeply painful.

Her turning point came when she realized something radical:

Her nervous system — not her mind — was choosing who she felt attracted to.

That realization changed her life. It also became the foundation of the coaching work she now shares with women.

The Nervous System: The Hidden Force Behind Who We Choose

One of the most profound insights from my conversation with Amber is this:

If chaos, inconsistency, or emotional distance were familiar in childhood, they become the patterns your nervous system recognizes as “home.”

Amber explains that as children, we build schemas, or internal maps, for what love, connection, and attachment feel like. If the model you witnessed was disconnected, volatile, or unpredictable, that pattern becomes embedded in your body.

Even if your mind says,
“I want someone kind, stable, and emotionally available,”
your body may be conditioned to crave the opposite.

This is why emotionally available partners may be perceived as “boring,” while emotionally unavailable ones feel intoxicating.

It’s not chemistry or intuition.
It’s nervous system programming.

The Turning Point: Amber’s Moment of Radical Change

Amber shared that she reached her personal breaking point after two years of chasing someone who had no intention of being in a real relationship.
Her words were so powerful:

“It felt like a moment of awareness — like someone struggling with an addiction who finally sees the reality of their situation.”

She knew she wanted a family and a true partnership.
She wanted love that was steady, not chaotic.

And she realized she would never achieve that unless she changed the internal patterns pulling her toward the familiar.

Amber’s Six-Step Framework for Embodied Dating

What I love about Amber’s method is how practical, grounded, and actionable it is. She takes women through a clear process designed to heal their attraction patterns from the inside out.

Here are the foundational pieces of her framework:

1. A Full Pattern Audit

Amber begins with an inventory that includes identifying the common threads in past relationships and the nervous system states that accompany them.

2. A Clear Vision of the Partner You Actually Want

Values, lifestyle, emotional availability, attachment traits.
No maybes. No “but he’s trying.”
A real, non-negotiable list.

3. Nervous System Regulation Practices

Meditation before dates.
Breathing techniques.
Mindfulness on the date itself.
Everything is designed to support your body’s safety so you can make empowered choices.

4. Mindful Dating with Presence

Amber teaches women to date slowly, consciously, and with awareness — not from anxiety or urgency. (I love this one!)

5. Community and Accountability

Because our nervous systems cling to the familiar, we need external support to interrupt the old patterns.

6. Rewiring Through Secure Attachment

This step is profound:
Amber helps women experience what a secure connection actually feels like, and over time, the nervous system learns to prefer it.

Why Healthy Love Feels Strange at First

One of Amber’s most counterintuitive truths is this:

When you meet a secure partner, your body may initially feel bored, confused, or even resistant.

Why?

Because your nervous system is calibrated for the highs and lows of inconsistency.

It takes time and support to learn that safety can feel like warmth, grounding, or ease rather than intensity or anxiety.

Amber paints a beautiful metaphor:

Unsafe attraction is like a sugar rush.
Secure love is like a nourishing, protein-rich meal that actually sustains you.

Generational Healing: Why Nervous System Healing Work Matters for the Future

Amber shared something that moved me deeply:

By healing our patterns and by choosing different partners,
we change not just our lives, but future generations.

Our choices can:

• shift generational attachment patterns
• model safety for future children
• break cycles of emotional inconsistency
• rewrite our family’s relationship blueprint

This is such important work. Not just for us individually, but for the lineage that comes after us.

The Lens Amber Invites Us to Use

At the end of our conversation, I asked Amber the same question I ask every guest:

“What is one lens you want women to try on?”

Her answer:

“Embrace where you are. It’s exactly where you’re meant to be.”

Instead of resisting your patterns…
Instead of shaming yourself…
Instead of wishing you were farther along…

Begin by meeting yourself with compassion.

Acceptance doesn’t mean settling. It means opening the door to transformation.

My Thoughts on Nervous System Healing and Dating

Honestly, there is so much to say about this conversation I had with Amber today. We are constantly learning more about our nervous system and its massive impact on all aspects of our lives, especially dating and relationships.

I could’ve been a case study in this area during my single years in my 30s and early 40s. It was uncanny how I kept attracting the same type of person over and over again.

And I allowed and accepted crumbs. I’ll leave it there!

But I knew deep inside that this wasn’t healthy, and I was forced to face my issues head-on. Very similar to Amber, I essentially hit rock bottom. And I realized that I needed to change because I knew I wanted something more.

It’s a tricky feeling to know that what you’re attracted to isn’t good for you, and that to me is the crux of this teaching.

And I also think that her work helping people understand their past, recognize their patterns, and do the hard work of becoming present, grounded, and centered while on dates is genuinely changing the game.

For me, accountability and having a place to turn when feeling lost is key. Because we come home from dates alone, and we often have to sit there and think through what happened on our own.

Sometimes we need other people in our lives to hold up a mirror for us, so we can really be honest about how we feel about that date.

All of these things can create a healthy path to attracting securely attached love, along with nervous system healing.

Final Thoughts: The Power of Changing Your Inner Lens

This conversation reminded me of one of the most hopeful truths in personal growth:

Your past does not dictate your future – unless you let it.
Your nervous system can change, and your patterns can shift.
And the love you attract can become the love you actually desire.

If Amber’s story or method resonated with you, you can learn more about her here.

Check out our conversation/ shownotes/ podcast together here.

And if you’d like support in shifting your own lens toward love, worthiness, and possibility, I’m here.
You can book a free Lens Shift Call at TriciaRoseStone.com.