For many women, preparing for love doesn’t begin with a lack of desire.

You’ve built a life. And you’re accomplished, thoughtful, self-aware.
And yet, when it comes to dating, things just aren’t clicking.

It seems like every setup, online date, etc., ends up at a dead end.

In a recent conversation on Her New Lens, I sat down with global matchmaker, Alla Fine,  who has spent decades working closely with men and women seeking meaningful partnerships. What emerged was a twist that often gets overlooked in modern dating culture:

Love isn’t just about finding the right person — it’s about being ready to meet them.

The Illusion of “Readiness”

Many people believe they’re ready for love simply because they want it. But desire alone isn’t the same as readiness.

From a matchmaker’s perspective, three patterns show up again and again:

• People want partnership, but aren’t emotionally available for it

• Expectations are unrealistic or disconnected from lived experience

• There’s a gap between what someone wants and what they’re able to offer

When we want a real connection, sometimes we have to let go of many of our preconceived ideas about what we want.  We also have to take a look in the mirror and see clearly where we are.

This does require humility and vulnerability.

But in the end, we can receive something more valuable and meaningful than the “ideal person.” We can meet and partner with someone who is truly right for us.

Readiness requires more than hope. Preparing for love asks for honesty.

Why Wishlists Don’t Work the Way We Think They Do

In dating, wishlists are often treated like magic spells: if we name exactly what we want, the universe will deliver.

But, Fine reminds us, a real connection doesn’t work that way.

A helpful comparison is recruiting. You can’t step into an executive role without the skills, experience, and capacity that role requires. Love works similarly. A healthy partnership asks for emotional maturity, communication skills, and self-awareness — not just attraction.

This may sound harsh, but I actually think it’s really helpful.

Because it really gives women something to work with. Instead of only reaching for that aspirational relationship that hits all the marks, we can focus instead on becoming ready and aligned with what we want, and this, ironically, is way more likely to magnetize it.

When expectations are misaligned with who we are right now, disappointment becomes inevitable.

Chemistry, Patterns, and Familiar Attraction

One of the most revealing moments in the conversation was around chemistry.

We’re often drawn to what feels familiar, even when it hasn’t served us well. Attraction can be shaped by past wounds, unexamined patterns, and comfort zones that no longer fit.

There’s a lot that goes into this. I had a really fascinating conversation with a therapist and coach named Amber Lavin. You can listen to our conversation here. She talks about how our nervous system is drawn to the familiar.

And this makes a lot of sense to me, but if we’re still single, we have to wonder if that point of attraction is working for us? Or maybe we need to change

A powerful question to ask is: How has this type of attraction actually played out for me over time?

If the answer is heartbreak, confusion, or emotional exhaustion, Fine suggests that preparing for love may be the time to expand the definition of chemistry to include safety, respect, and emotional alignment.

Preparing for Love: The Quiet Power of Presence

Another area where we can really build our capacity to attract wonderful things into our lives is by being present. It’s something we can practice and cultivate into daily life.

We know we’ve all heard it a million times, but the truth is, we can often be so distracted by our phones or laptops that we barely look around to see who is in the room.

We’re not present to the world around us.

But if you believe there is a higher intelligence, potentially even placing people in your path, you see the power you can harness simply by being present to receive what is in your space.

I still think, regardless of whether you’ve been fixed up on a date by a matchmaker, are on the apps, at a happy hour, or you’re just at the grocery store, if you’re present, you can have a ‘a suddenly’  – a serendipitous connection with someone new. 

Readiness also ties in nicely with this. Presence gives us the ability to:

• stay present in discomfort

• communicate honestly

• be emotionally available in real time

Opportunity doesn’t announce itself. It arrives quietly, in moments that require awareness to recognize.

Five Degrees of Vulnerability

In the episode below, I share an intimate story about the night I met my husband.

I have to say, at that time I had done a lot of work, felt I was (finally!) open to really meeting someone.

In a twist of fate, I met my husband while out with an old high school friend.

We met at a bar. There was an immediate connection, but I believe having my walls down allowed me to be open to it.

Then, for a few minutes, I walked away from the table. At that moment, my future husband asked my friend, “What’s her deal?” And my friend shared things about me that offered him a peek into my life. She explained that I’d been hurt in my past marriage and was guarded, but that I really wanted to meet someone new.

I believe her sharing this tiny piece of intel helped fuel our connection.

So, I believe one of the smallest and most powerful shifts in dating is allowing just a little vulnerability.

Even something small, like “I was nervous to come tonight.” Or “I’ve been hurt before, and I’m learning to open up again.”

That tiny opening lets the other person see you, even just for a minute!

Preparing for Love: A New Lens on Readiness

So my talk with Alla Fine really opened my eyes to how much the result depends on our readiness to be there in that moment. This is empowering.

If there’s one invitation to take from this conversation with Fine, it’s:

Before searching for the right partner, take time to truly get to know yourself.

Ask:

• What am I actually ready for right now?

• Where do I need support or growth?

• What patterns am I willing to release?

If you can answer all three of these questions with honesty, you’re more than halfway there.

** Readiness isn’t about perfection. It’s about willingness.

And when that willingness is present, connection has a place to land.

To learn more about Alla Fine, click here.

Listen to our conversation here.