See Five Thoughtful Questions to Help Overcome Resentment
Do you know when something happens to you and you feel hurt, disappointed, or even shocked? These feelings can lead to a wound inside your heart. You wonder, “Ugh! How will I overcome this feeling of resentment?”
Recently, I had lunch with my friend Cindy. She told me, “There’s something painful in my life right now.” I leaned in, “What is it??” She said, “I have an old friend who recently turned on me.
I contacted her, asking her to help me with something, but she told me no and that she’d decided it was best not to be friends anymore.”
Cindy said, “I know we’ve drifted apart over the recent years, but I still considered her a dear friend – someone I could turn to.”
I asked her what she was planning to do next.
She said, “I want to be able to let this go, but it’s bothering me. I wish I could move on and stop feeling so sad and angry.”
As I sat there listening to her, I thought of different times when I faced very similar circumstances. I remembered how feelings of resentment often festered and grew.
Feeling stuck in resentment hurts!
Here are questions to consider as you deal with resentment and attempt to move forward. Consider:
1. What exactly am I trying to forgive?
It’s so easy for emotions to get wrapped up inside each other. But – for a moment – try to allow your thoughts to become crystal clear. What exactly is the issue at hand? Write it down in one concise statement.
“I’m mad at Kim because she didn’t invite me to that dinner party.”
Next, try using Byron Katie’s method of questioning. Through her process, called The Work, you turn thoughts upside down. By doing this, you may discover a peace you never thought possible, even if you are resentful.
See her worksheet here. I sometimes attend her online classes. Trust me – she is a miracle worker! Through her process of questioning your beliefs, you’re able to release deeply ingrained beliefs that contribute to the resentment you feel.
After doing The Work, you may feel a sense of ease and of letting go! If not, let’s go on to the next question.
2. Can I see how taking this too personally keeps me stuck in resentment?
I think of each of us as inhabiting a self-contained energy field. We operate it alone and influence it with our system of thoughts, emotions, and beliefs. Through understanding, we can recognize when something has triggered our ‘stuff,’ and we’ve decided to react personally.
Feeling angry and taking things personally can keep you stuck in a cycle of resentment. So, stop and think, ‘Why am I taking this personally?‘ In a recent post on forgiveness, I discuss how one of Don Miguel Ruiz’s famous teachings is that nothing is personal.
People are who they are! Instead of attempting to control others, try focusing your energy on nurturing and raising your vibes.
Interesting side note – this is where the law of attraction comes in. Take a moment to note when others are kind and bring warmth and happiness into your life. You notice that they are capable of love and forgiveness.
It’s important to note—that’s just who they are. But congratulations! When this happens, know you’ve attracted high-quality people because you match their vibration. This is a very good thing.
Still, working through your feelings? Ask yourself this:
3. Can I find it in my heart to have compassion and even empathy while overcoming resentment for this person?
This one is HARD! I have often known and struggled with this step, especially when I feel I’ve been mistreated. This is incredibly challenging if a family member has emotionally abused you.
Try to see this family member’s innocence. See them as having little awareness of how they impact others. Take the leap and open your heart – even if you don’t feel you can. You’ll be surprised at how you can feel love for others by trying to see them in a new way.
According to Jared Akers of Tiny Buddha, “Whether or not you believe in prayer, you can still set aside time during the day to think loving thoughts about someone you resent, wishing them good fortune and blessings.”
Also, the Course in Miracles states, “Love will immediately enter into any mind that truly wants it.” So, I decided to open up to the love and compassion within. Practice self-compassion, too. It will soften your heart and free you to see things differently.
4. Ask yourself, ‘Am I ruminating?’ Take this opportunity to step out and beyond negative thinking.
Remember that everything is perfectly fine at this moment. You realize how true this is when you stop focusing on your resentment to step outside of your inner turmoil.
In The New Earth, Eckhart Tolle describes how ducks sometimes quarrel in the water. But, immediately after, they swim away in opposite directions and shake it off. They don’t hold onto resentment. They’re modeling for us what it looks like to move forward in a healthy way.
You’re lost in your negative feelings whenever you think about unforgiveness towards the person you resent. The negative emotions have taken over. Use this experience as a chance to get back into this moment! And to appreciate with gratitude all of the good within it.
5. How has my interaction with this person benefited me and pushed me to overcome negative, limiting thoughts?
There are many ways this person’s behavior has benefited you. Perhaps this person’s behavior has impacted your self-esteem, revealing areas that need attention. Maybe their behavior has illuminated areas of your internal emotional landscape that need tending. On some level, it has revealed wounds inside of you that can finally be addressed.
In any case, there is a higher plan, and this person and experience are in your life for a reason. In every interaction, you can untangle your connection to the sadness you feel around them.
You can see the hurt and pain within and transform it in a healthy and even miraculous way.
Extra thoughts on how to overcome resentment:
For additional help, try this cord-cutting meditation. I’ve used this many times when I need help working through resentment. What I appreciate about it is that the cords we have with others are real. This meditation encourages us to allow a power greater than ourselves to cut the cord, releasing us to feel free.
Another fantastic resource is this inner body meditation with Kim Eng. By connecting with our inner body, we can connect to pure life force energy within. This force opens us to more profound wisdom, allowing us to see the situation differently.
Lastly, consider this quote by Maya Angelou: “You can’t forgive without loving. And I don’t mean sentimentality. I don’t mean mush.
I mean having enough courage to stand up and say, ‘I forgive. I’m finished with it.”
I don’t know about you, but that sounds pretty good to me!
Did you enjoy this story? Please send it to someone you know who needs help letting go of resentment.
Thank you for reading along!
Would you like to write a love letter for yourself? Learn how to do that here.
(This post was originally published on July 21, 2021, and has been updated for increased thoroughness and clarity.)
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